Knowing isn't enough
Almost everyone with retroactive jealousy has said it: I know it makes no sense, but I can't stop. It isn't a lack of intelligence. It's a conflict between two parts of you.
In his first course, Dr. Yuri uses the analogy of the elephant and the rider. The one with the strength to take you somewhere is the elephant, big and heavy. The one who knows where to go is the rider, sitting on top.
Guide the rider
The first step is to give reason what it needs:
- Clarity: knowing where you want to go. In retroactive jealousy, to stop feeding the thoughts, not to change the other person's past.
- A guide: someone, a method or a theory that shows how the process works.
- A plan: the path in stages, with small, clear goals.
One warning he gives: if the goal is to change the other person, there's a big problem, because nobody can change someone else.
Motivate the elephant
The second step is caring for the strength. It starts with understanding your own emotions, positive and negative, beginning with the fear that drives jealousy. And it means simplifying: the elephant doesn't walk toward a huge, vague task. It walks toward the next small step.
Day to day
When the urge to ask comes, the rider remembers where you want to go. And the elephant needs a step it can take now: 30 seconds without adding wood, not the promise of never asking again.
What to do today
- Write in one sentence where you want to go.
- Choose a step so small your elephant will agree to take it today.
- Note which emotion showed up in your last crisis. It's almost always fear.
The elephant is our emotions and the rider is our reason.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson The path to change (translated from Portuguese)
Phrases to keep
- Knowing isn't enough: the elephant also has to want to go.
- Nobody can change someone else.
- Small steps move big elephants.
Frequently asked questions
Why do I know it's irrational and do it anyway?
Because in the moment of crisis emotion has more strength than reason. The work is getting both to walk together, not beating the emotion by force.
What's the first step?
Clarity: deciding that the goal is to stop feeding the cycle, not to find out everything or change someone's past.
This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.