What goes on the list
Everything you do to relieve the thought: questions, checks, searches, asking for details, comparing versions of stories. They are actions with one intention, calming down, and the opposite result: the thought comes back stronger.
Describe each behavior clearly. It can be hard to see them all at once, and that's fine: the list grows as you observe.
A ladder, from least to most painful
Number them, from heaviest to lightest. Asking about their sexual past might be number 1; asking the name of a place, number 20. The list becomes a ladder, one rung at a time.
One at a time, starting with the easiest
You won't tackle ten behaviors at once. You pick one, the one that hurts you least today, and decide not to do it. If the urge to ask comes, you don't ask.
At first you almost certainly won't manage it the first time. That's where time comes in.
Start with 30 seconds
Time works as an external variable that helps control the internal one. If never asking feels impossible, you postpone it 30 seconds. When 30 seconds feels easy, a minute. Then ten, thirty, and so on.
The Campfire in the Before Me app was born from this lesson: the goal starts at 30 seconds and goes up as you get stronger.
What to do today
- Write down today at least five behaviors you use to calm the thought.
- Rank them from most to least painful.
- Pick the last one on the list and, at the next urge, hold on for 30 seconds.
It's one behavior at a time, and we start with the one we put at the very bottom of the list.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson Block 1: control (translated from Portuguese)
Phrases to keep
- One behavior at a time.
- Start with the easiest, not the most painful.
- Thirty seconds today, one minute tomorrow.
Frequently asked questions
What if I fail on the first day?
That's expected. The idea of using time is exactly that: instead of all or nothing, you gradually stretch the gap between the urge and the action.
Why not start with the behavior that hurts most?
Because the hardest one is the most likely to knock you down. Starting with the lightest builds strength and confidence for the next ones.
This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.