The basic rule: don't feed it
It seems that asking and looking for information controls the obsession. The opposite happens: when you feed the obsession with information, it grows instead of shrinking. That's why the first rule of self-control is don't feed it. It's counterintuitive and, at first, it hurts.
Why it gets worse before it gets better
Not asking makes the obsession spike for a while and then come down. It's what happens with a child's tantrum: you say no, they scream louder; you say no again, they throw themselves on the floor. If you hold the no, after a while the tantrum stops. But first it got bigger.
Jealousy works the same way. When the urge rises and you feed it, you teach your mind that this is the way. When the urge rises and you hold on, you teach the opposite. The wave is big, but it passes.
Control the time
Nobody starts by holding on for a whole night. The tactic is to control the time: if the urge to ask comes, wait before acting. Even if it's two minutes, let it be two minutes. Then increase it gradually until you learn the control.
In the Before Me app, the Campfire starts even smaller, at 30 seconds, and the goal goes up each time you ride out the urge without adding wood: 45 seconds, 1 minute, 2 minutes. A curve on the screen shows the urge rising and falling.
One or two questions, agreed in advance
At first, some people need a written safety base and a limit: one or two questions per crisis, agreed beforehand. That's a ladder for the beginning, not the destination. Later on, the goal is not to need it.
What to do today
- The next time you want to ask or check, hold on for 30 seconds. That's all.
- Watch the urge like a wave: rate it from 0 to 10 at the start, the middle and the end.
- If you made it, go a little longer next time. If you didn't, no beating yourself up: try again from the start.
It's a wave, and I promise you it will pass. The wave always passes if you don't feed it.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson The campfire starves (translated from Portuguese)
Phrases to keep
- Every question is a log.
- The wave always passes.
- Even if it's two minutes, let it be two minutes.
Frequently asked questions
How long do I need to hold on?
Start with a time you can actually manage, like 30 seconds. What builds confidence is a sequence of small wins, not one heroic effort.
What if I ask halfway through?
The fire grows again and the timer restarts. It isn't failure; it's information. Note it and try again. Failing is part of the practice.
This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.