Minute 1: measure
From 0 to 10, how activated is your system? Above 8, thinking can't reach it: the body comes first. Breathe in counting to 4, out counting to 6, a few times. Between 4 and 7, you can choose.
Minute 2: don't feed it
Don't ask, don't open the profile, don't send a message. Agree with yourself on a time, even a small one: 30 seconds, 2 minutes. The urge will rise before it falls, like the tantrum of a child who hears no. If nobody feeds it, it passes.
Minute 3: fact or film
Can what's happening now be verified? Or is it the past playing as if it were present? If it's a fact, the question becomes what's within your reach to do, calmly. If it's a film, conjugate the verb: it happened, it's over.
Minute 4: the Trump Card
Open the memory you wrote on a good day: the moment you knew you wanted this person. The story can change angle; the feeling doesn't change. And don't end the relationship in the middle of a crisis: decisions made by pain tend to belong to the pain, not to you.
Minute 5: write it down
When the intensity drops, note: what triggered it, what your mind said, what you did and what you could have done. That's the X-ray. Every recorded crisis shows the same mechanism, and the mechanism is what changes.
What to do today
- Save this script somewhere you can open in seconds.
- Write your Trump Card today, at a calm moment.
- Decide in advance how long you'll wait at the next crisis.
Watch out for
If there's risk
If the crisis involves an urge to hurt someone, to hurt yourself or thoughts of death, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.
Phrases to keep
- In a crisis, don't solve the jealousy. Just don't make the cycle worse.
- Feeling isn't acting.
- Don't break up because of the pain.
Frequently asked questions
What if I can't wait at all?
Start smaller. Ten seconds count. The practice is to keep increasing, and each time you get through the urge, you earn proof that you can.
Should I tell my partner I'm in a crisis?
It can help, if it's to ask for presence and not for answers. Something like: I'm feeling jealous right now and I'm going to follow my plan; can you stay with me?
This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.