The story changes; the feeling doesn't
In his practice, Dr. Yuri sees a clear difference between the behaviors, the story and the feeling a person describes. Stories change angle, gain and lose details. The feeling running through all of them doesn't change.
It's like a film: missing five minutes doesn't stop you from understanding the whole story. In a crisis, though, the mind zooms in on a detail, the clothes, the time, the place, and forgets the zoom out, which is the emotions and the feeling.
How to build your card
Take your time:
- Choose your best memory together. The one where you thought: this person gave of themselves for me.
- Write how it happened and what they did.
- Score two measures: what you feel for them, and how they make you feel.
- Keep it somewhere you can open in seconds.
Sacrifice and giving of oneself are enormous proofs of love. That's the kind of memory the card needs.
When to use it
In moments of crisis, when the urge is to rush into doing things, asking, investigating, breaking up. The card comes in to start stopping the process and remind you what you want from this relationship.
Don't break up because of the pain
Many people, at the peak of retroactive jealousy's pain, conclude that it's better to break up. If you want to end things for any other reason, that's a legitimate decision. Breaking up because the movie in your head hurts so much is letting the symptom decide for you. The Trump Card exists for that moment too.
What to do today
- Today, at a calm moment, write your card: a title, the memory and the two measures.
- If you like, record a one-minute voice note telling the memory.
- At the next crisis, before any question, open the card and read it to the end.
Sacrifice and giving of oneself are an enormous proof of love. Use that memory in moments of crisis.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson The X-ray and the Trump Card (translated from Portuguese)
Phrases to keep
- The story can change angle. The feeling doesn't change.
- Don't break up because of the pain.
- Zoom out: the emotions and the feeling.
Frequently asked questions
What if I can't remember anything good during a crisis?
That's exactly why the card is written beforehand, on a good day. In a crisis, memory narrows and pulls up only what threatens. The card keeps the other side.
Does the Trump Card work for any relationship?
It works for relationships where there is a feeling worth protecting. If there's violence, control or disrespect, the path is different: seek help and safety.
This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.