Why the past feels present
In the lesson on what jealousy is, Dr. Yuri explains that the mind doesn't work chronologically. Through a memory or a fantasy, something from years ago arrives with the intensity of today. That's why an old trip can ruin an evening now.
Fact or fantasy
The first step is to separate facts from stories. There may be facts that bother you, and they deserve attention. But much of retroactive jealousy doesn't start from a current fact: it starts from fantasies, projections and speculation that grow along with the fear.
Conjugate the verb
Take the thought that keeps coming back and put it in the right tense:
- Did it happen? Then it belongs to the past. She had a story before me.
- Is it happening? Is there a fact, now, that shows it? Without a fact, it's the past playing as if it were the present.
- Will it happen? The future is a prediction, not a fact. What you control is how you act today.
The right tense doesn't erase the emotion, but it takes away the urgency to act now on something that isn't happening.
The wrong comma and the spider web
Just when the obsession starts to calm down, sometimes a wrong comma, a new detail in a conversation, feeds everything again. And each question links one situation to another, until it forms a huge web of thoughts in which you want to know every detail. Memory isn't perfect, neither yours nor your partner's. Every story has gaps, and trying to close them all is chasing the impossible.
What to do today
- Write down the thought that keeps coming back exactly as it appears.
- Mark it: it happened, it is happening or it will happen.
- Rewrite it in the right tense. If it's past, end with: and that story made the person I love.
You have to start conjugating what is past, present and future.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson What jealousy is (translated from Portuguese)
Phrases to keep
- The mind isn't chronological.
- That story made the person you love.
- The future is a prediction, not a fact.
Frequently asked questions
What if there's a real fact in the present?
Then the question changes: what is within your reach to do now? Current facts call for a conversation, agreements and sometimes decisions. That's different from investigating the past.
Does conjugating the verb work in the middle of a crisis?
It works better when you've practiced it beforehand, in calm moments. In the app, the Fact or film tool guides you through it step by step.
This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.