Before Me

Tools from the lessons

The Positive Journal: why writing down the good you did helps with retroactive jealousy

It isn't a gratitude journal. The Positive Journal records the good things you did each day. The technique Dr. Yuri teaches and how it strengthens self-esteem.

Dr. Yuri Busin

Dr. Yuri BusinPsychologist (Brazil, CRP 06/107708) · 2 min read

Short answerThe Positive Journal is a daily record of the good things you did, not of the good things that happened to you. It's different from a gratitude journal: the focus is your action. In retroactive jealousy, it works as written proof that you're becoming the person you want to be, and helps take your worth out of the comparison scoreboard with your partner's past.

Gratitude or Positive Journal

In a gratitude journal you give thanks for what you received. In the Positive Journal you record what you did: I held back the urge to ask, I went for a run even though I didn't feel like it, I gave a sincere compliment, I finished that piece of work. Both practices have value; for someone who suffers from comparison, the second weighs more, because it gives you back authorship.

Why it works

Retroactive jealousy pushes your worth outward: into the ranking with the ex, into what the other person lived before. The Positive Journal brings your worth back inside, with evidence. It isn't positive thinking; it's a record of facts.

Your values on a sticky note

In the course, Dr. Yuri suggests writing down your values and leaving them somewhere visible, on a sticky note. When you know what you value, it's easier to act accordingly, and easier to note what you did in that direction.

Would I date myself?

A question he proposes that bothers you in a good way. If the answer is no, the Positive Journal becomes the plan: what can I do today to like who I am a little more?

Write by hand if you can

Writing on paper slows you down and helps it stick. In the Before Me app, the Positive Journal stays only on your phone, protected by Face ID.

What to do today

  1. Tonight, write one good thing you did, however small.
  2. Write three of your values on a sticky note and put it where you'll see it.
  3. Once a month, reread the journal. That's the horizontal race: you compared with you.
Ask yourself: would I date myself?Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson Improving yourself (translated from Portuguese)

Phrases to keep

Frequently asked questions

What if I didn't do anything good on a given day?

There's always something, however small: getting up on a hard day, not sending that message, taking care of someone. Recording the small things is part of the practice.

How long does it take?

Two minutes a day. The effect shows up as the weeks add up.

This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.

Read next

Tools from the lessonsThe ring: nobody faces retroactive jealousy while bleedingCrisis techniques aren't enough. The ring analogy Dr. Yuri uses in his course: emotional balance, active activities, exercise, sleep and ten minutes of quality time.Their pastComparing yourself to the ex: competing with someone who isn't there anymorePrettier, freer, better in bed, more successful. Why comparing yourself to your partner's ex is impossible to win, and the only comparison that actually helps: the horizontal race.TreatmentSelf-love and boundaries: the part of treatment that makes you strongerNegativity bias makes you bury your own qualities. The positive list exercise, the trap of victimhood and how to set boundaries assertively, not aggressively.