Negativity bias
Human beings tend to think about the negative. It comes from our history: thinking of the worst prepared us for threats. It happens to everyone, which is why almost everyone has a plan B.
The problem is when the bias becomes the only way you see yourself. We bury the positive and show the world only the negative.
The positive list
Take a notebook and pen and write your qualities: achievements, traits of your personality, what you admire in yourself. Honest, affectionate, funny, kind.
If you get stuck, think of someone with a trait you admire and ask: do I have that too, in my own way? It's not to compare, it's to remember. Everyone has positive things.
Watch out for victimhood
It's easy to start a positive list and end with a list of flaws, or with comparisons. The intention has to be clear: your qualities. If the negative shows up, stop and go back.
Boundaries, assertively
Reflect: do people cross your boundaries? Do you cross other people's? Write down what you like and what you won't accept.
Being assertive means speaking firmly and clearly, without aggression. Prepare the sentence ahead of time: this makes me sad, it affects me, please stop. Setting boundaries is valuing yourself, and that makes self-love grow.
What to do today
- Write ten of your qualities today. If you get stuck, use the admired-trait exercise.
- List three of your boundaries.
- Pick one and prepare the assertive sentence to use when you need it.
Everyone has positive things.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson Block 2: self-esteem (translated from Portuguese)
Phrases to keep
- Negativity bias happens to everyone.
- Assertive is firm and clear, not aggressive.
- Setting a boundary is valuing yourself.
Frequently asked questions
What does self-esteem have to do with jealousy about the past?
A lot. The less you value yourself, the more your partner's past feels like a threat and the more comparison hurts. Getting stronger lowers the weight of the triggers.
What if I can't say the boundary out loud?
Start with the easiest ones and with people who are less close. Each time you feel stronger, setting the next one gets easier.
This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.