Before Me

Their past

Comparing yourself to the ex: competing with someone who isn't there anymore

Prettier, freer, better in bed, more successful. Why comparing yourself to your partner's ex is impossible to win, and the only comparison that actually helps: the horizontal race.

Dr. Yuri Busin

Dr. Yuri BusinPsychologist (Brazil, CRP 06/107708) · 2 min read

Short answerComparing yourself to your partner's ex means competing with a figure your mind built from fragments, under threat. It is better exactly where you feel most fragile. That's why the contest isn't hard to win; it's impossible. The only comparison that helps is with yourself over time: the horizontal race.

The invisible scoreboard

Prettier, freer, better in bed, funnier, more successful. Comparison creates a scoreboard only you can see and that never closes, because the opponent changes with your insecurity of the day.

A character, not a person

Real exes are people with bad moods, late bills and flaws that helped the relationship end. That is exactly what the imagined rival has been cleaned of. You aren't competing with a person: you're competing with a character drawn by someone who knows your weaknesses intimately.

Edited versions

On social media you compare your behind-the-scenes with someone else's best moments, chosen, framed and published. The comparison is unequal from the start.

The horizontal race

In his lesson on improving yourself, Dr. Yuri proposes a different track: life is a horizontal race. The only fair comparison is with your previous self. You today compared with you sixty days ago: how many fewer questions, how many fewer checks, how much more time present.

He also reminds us that everyone feels envy to some degree. Admitting it, without shame, helps you stop turning comparison into proof of your worth.

What to do today

  1. Leave the scoreboard: unfollow the profiles you use to compare yourself.
  2. Write three concrete things that make your relationship special today.
  3. Compare yourself only with you: note one number from last week and one from this week.
The only comparison that counts is always the comparison with my previous self. Life is a horizontal race.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson Improving yourself (translated from Portuguese)

Phrases to keep

Frequently asked questions

Why do I compare myself on exactly the points where I feel worst?

Because under threat the mind fills the gaps with the worst version, and the worst version is always the one that hits your insecurity.

Does it matter if I'm not my partner's first love?

For many people it seems to. But special doesn't have to mean first or only. Being chosen today is different from being irreplaceable in the past.

This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.

Read next

Their pastJealousy about your partner's sexual past: when how many is never just a numberHow many people, what they did, whether it was better. Why the sexual past fuels retroactive jealousy so strongly, the difference between a conversation and an interrogation, and the double standard.In the momentChecking the ex's profile: why investigating on social media never calms you downTwenty minutes of scrolling, then one old photo. Learn how variable reward keeps you checking, why surveillance backfires in a relationship and how to change your digital environment.Understanding retroactive jealousyRetroactive jealousy: what it is, why it hurts so much and how to get out of the cycleRetroactive jealousy is the distress caused by your partner's romantic or sexual past. Psychologist Dr. Yuri Busin explains why it hurts, why asking makes it worse and what helps.