Before Me

Their past

When the ex is still in the picture: co-parenting, friendship with an ex and boundaries

Not all jealousy of an ex is retroactive. When there are children, work or frequent contact, the question changes. How to tell the difference and build healthy boundaries.

Dr. Yuri Busin

Dr. Yuri BusinPsychologist (Brazil, CRP 06/107708) · 2 min read

Short answerWhen the ex is still present, through children, work, mutual friends or frequent contact, not all jealousy is retroactive. You need to separate a current, observable threat, like hidden messages or lies, from a threat built out of the past. In the first case, the path is conversation, boundaries and a decision. In the second, the work is internal. In both, the goal isn't to erase the ex from the world but to have clear boundaries.

Two different situations

Situation A: your partner broke up eight years ago, never had contact again, and you spend hours investigating the ex's life. Situation B: your partner exchanges intimate messages with the ex, deletes conversations and lies when you ask. Both cases cause jealousy, but the problem is different. Asking the person in situation B to simply tolerate uncertainty would be a mistake.

Co-parenting: the ex isn't optional

When there are children, the former partner will remain present for years. Messages, joint decisions, school events. The healthy goal isn't to eliminate contact but to build boundaries: is the contact centered on the children? Is there transparency in line with the couple's agreement? Is there romantic or ambiguous content?

Friendship with an ex

Friendship with an ex isn't a threat by definition. The question is how it works: is there respect for the current relationship's boundaries? Is there secrecy, flirting, intimate confidences about the couple? There's no universal rule; there are explicit agreements.

A lie about the past changes the problem

If you asked something relevant and got a false answer, the pain now includes a breach of trust that happened inside the relationship. Saying that was before us doesn't solve it: the fact is past, the concealment is present.

What to do today

  1. Write specifically which current behavior worries you. Their mere existence doesn't count.
  2. Separate: is this a fact of today or a meaning from the past?
  3. If it's a fact of today, propose a clear agreement in a calm conversation.

Frequently asked questions

My partner has children with their ex. How do I deal with the jealousy?

By understanding that contact is part of the children's lives and agreeing on clear boundaries. If the jealousy stays high even with adequate boundaries, part of the work is internal.

Can I ask my partner not to be friends with their ex?

You can ask and talk about it. It becomes an agreement if you both agree. If a refusal is met with threats, surveillance or punishment, it's no longer an agreement; it's control.

This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.

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