Control governs the other person
- You can't have male friends.
- You'll send me a photo of wherever you are.
- You have to block anyone you've ever been with.
- I have a right to your password.
These rules can be born from fear. The fear doesn't take away their controlling nature.
A boundary describes what I do
- I don't stay in a relationship with hidden flirting.
- If there are insults in an argument, I'll stop and we'll pick it up later.
- I don't accept my messages being accessed without consent.
A boundary starts with your own behavior. It doesn't guarantee the other person will comply; it guarantees you know what you'll do.
Couple agreements exist
Let me know if your ex gets in touch. I want our relationship to be monogamous. These requests become agreements when both consent. If one doesn't agree, there's negotiation or incompatibility.
The five-question test
- Was it negotiated or imposed?
- Is it reciprocal where that makes sense?
- Is it proportionate to the risk?
- Can it be revisited without fear?
- What happens if someone says no?
If the answer to the last question involves fear, humiliation, threats or violence, we're not just talking about jealousy.
What to do today
- List the rules in your relationship and run each one through the five questions.
- Rewrite one controlling rule as a boundary of your own.
- If you recognized signs of abuse, seek specialized help today.
Watch out for
Signs of abuse
Cutting someone off from family and friends, tracking location without consent, controlling money, threatening if the person leaves, stalking, destroying objects, demanding sex, exposing intimate images, hitting. In these cases, safety comes first: contact your local emergency number or a domestic violence hotline.
Frequently asked questions
Is asking to see the phone control?
As a temporary, agreed arrangement, for example after cheating, it can make sense. Demanding permanent access at any time is control and usually feeds the jealousy cycle.
Does jealousy lead to violence?
Feeling jealous doesn't necessarily lead to violence. But when jealousy starts organizing surveillance, possessiveness, accusations and restrictions, there's a risk that needs to be treated as a risk.
This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.