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Their past

Jealous of your boyfriend's ex: comparison, old photos and the urge to know everything

You compare yourself with his ex, look at old photos, ask about the trips. Why jealousy of your boyfriend's ex grows and what to do, with Dr. Yuri's techniques.

Dr. Yuri Busin

Dr. Yuri BusinPsychologist (Brazil, CRP 06/107708) · 2 min read

Short answerJealousy of your boyfriend's ex usually grows on three fronts: comparing yourself with her, investigating old photos and places, and questions that come back every day. It grows because each check and each answer brings relief for minutes and teaches the mind to repeat. To make it smaller, the way is to stop feeding it, leave the comparison scoreboard and separate what's present from what's over.

The ex you built

From his previous relationship you have fragments: a photo where she looks beautiful, a trip mentioned over dinner, three old posts. The mind fills in the rest with the worst version. The result is an ex who's prettier, lighter and more loved than any real person, because she was drawn from your insecurities.

The photos and the places

He went to Paris with her. Now Paris feels ruined. What hurts isn't the trip from years ago; it's the meaning it took on today: maybe what we have isn't special. Places, dates and songs become triggers because they carry that question.

Checking her profile

You search for twenty minutes and find nothing; on the twenty-first, you find an old photo. That unpredictable reward hooks you. And every discovery becomes raw material for the next movie in your head.

When she's really present

If there are children, work in common, frequent contact or hidden messages, the situation is different. Jealousy of an ex who takes no part in your life calls for inner work. Hidden contact or broken agreements call for a conversation, boundaries and decisions.

What to do today

  1. Unfollow her profile and delete the search shortcut.
  2. At the next urge to ask about the trips or look at the photos, hold on for 30 seconds and watch the urge pass.
  3. Plan a new place, just yours, with no comparison.
The only comparison that counts is always with my previous self.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson Improving yourself (translated from Portuguese)

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal to be jealous of your boyfriend's ex?

Some discomfort is common. It becomes a problem when the comparison and the investigation take up hours of the day and wear the relationship down.

Should I ask him to cut contact with his ex?

It depends on the context. If there are no children and no current contact, the request is usually about your anxiety, not a real risk. If there's contact with flirting or secrecy, it's a legitimate conversation about agreements.

This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.

Read next

Their pastComparing yourself to the ex: competing with someone who isn't there anymorePrettier, freer, better in bed, more successful. Why comparing yourself to your partner's ex is impossible to win, and the only comparison that actually helps: the horizontal race.In the momentChecking the ex's profile: why investigating on social media never calms you downTwenty minutes of scrolling, then one old photo. Learn how variable reward keeps you checking, why surveillance backfires in a relationship and how to change your digital environment.Their pastWhen the ex is still in the picture: co-parenting, friendship with an ex and boundariesNot all jealousy of an ex is retroactive. When there are children, work or frequent contact, the question changes. How to tell the difference and build healthy boundaries.