The question before the question
When the urge to know hits, the mind already has a question ready for your partner. The technique is to ask another one first, to yourself: what difference will this answer make to my life?
The example from the lesson: imagine his ex-girlfriend was extremely beautiful. What changes by knowing that? Who is with him now?
Does what I'm thinking make sense?
A second question, yes or no. If the honest answer is no, the way forward is to stop. If you start answering yes, connecting distant dots to make sense of the movie, it's a sign you haven't rationalized yet: go back a step and try again.
A point of view is the view from a point
Every situation has several angles. Practice looking at the story from other places: hers, his, a friend who isn't involved, you five years from now. The more points of view, the easier it is to see what doesn't make sense.
Repetition, not magic
Dr. Yuri is clear: doing it once won't stop the thought. It's repetition. Each time you rationalize instead of asking, the impulse loses a little strength.
What to do today
- Write it somewhere you'll see it: what difference does this make to my life?
- At the next urge, answer it before saying anything.
- Write the same story from two different points of view.
A point of view is the view from a point.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson Block 1: control (translated from Portuguese)
Phrases to keep
- What difference does this make to my life?
- The person with them today is you.
- A point of view is the view from a point.
Frequently asked questions
Isn't rationalizing just fooling myself?
No. It's checking whether the thought has a basis and whether the answer would change anything real. Almost always, the honest answer is that nothing changes in the present.
What if it does make sense to me?
Go back a step. When you need to connect many dots to make a movie make sense, it's anxiety writing the story.
This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.