What you're really looking for
Behind every question about the past there's a request: a certificate that this person is good, that they did nothing wrong, that nothing bad will happen from now on.
Once a cheater, always a cheater?
It's a popular saying, and the anxious mind loves rules like that because they promise predictability. But just because someone did something in the past doesn't mean they'll do it with you. You have no say over what the other person does, nor the power to rebuild their whole story.
No 100% guarantees
In any situation in life, however much we want security, nobody can guarantee everything. Asking that of a relationship is asking the impossible, and the result is an endless interrogation.
Just as there is risk, there is benefit. The work is to go after the benefit.
Where peace is
When you try to guarantee the outside is fine, you're trying to control the other person. What needs to be fine is your inside. The better you are, the more you can deal with jealousy and with your other anxieties.
What to do today
- Write the question you most want to ask and, below it, what it's trying to guarantee.
- Answer honestly: would any answer guarantee that?
- Swap one question for an act of caring for yourself today.
Just because the person did ABCD doesn't mean they'll do it with you.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson The most common questions (translated from Portuguese)
Phrases to keep
- Nobody can guarantee anything 100%.
- Someone's past is not a forecast of your future.
- Peace is internal.
Frequently asked questions
Don't I have the right to know the past of the person I love?
Talking about each other's history is natural. The problem starts when the conversation becomes an interrogation seeking a certainty no answer can give.
What if I find out something serious?
Serious facts in the present, like lying or cheating in your relationship, deserve a conversation and a decision. The past before you is something else.
This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.