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Jealousy on social media: what counts as cheating for the two of you?

A like, a fire emoji, a message. In the digital age, the arguments changed. How to turn surveillance into a clear agreement and how to talk when the agreement is broken.

Dr. Yuri Busin

Dr. Yuri BusinPsychologist (Brazil, CRP 06/107708) · 2 min read

Short answerIn the digital age, many arguments start with a like, a reaction or who someone follows. The way forward isn't watching your partner's profile but talking and agreeing on what is or isn't cheating for the two of you, because everyone understands it differently. If the agreement is broken, you talk about your feeling, without accusing.

The like that becomes a fight

Someone liked a photo, sent a fire emoji, started following someone. For a jealous person, every move becomes a signal. And the surveillance grows: checking his or her Instagram, seeing who they follow, going back again.

The obvious isn't obvious

It seems basic to know what cheating is. But people have different histories, values and ways of seeing the world. What's innocent to one can be serious to the other. That's why it has to be talked about and agreed on between you.

When the agreement is broken

With an agreement in place, the conversation changes. Instead of accusing, you talk about what you feel: we agreed on this, it was broken, and it made me insecure and afraid. I'm not saying you're going to cheat; I'm telling you what I felt.

That's a much healthier conversation than surveillance, which only leads to more suffering and often pushes the other person away.

Boundaries, not control

The goal is setting healthy boundaries, talking little by little, not dumping everything at once in a fight. And if you've asked a thousand times and nothing changes, it's worth reassessing the relationship, and also whether you're giving too much weight to some things.

What to do today

  1. Choose a calm moment to agree on what counts as cheating for you.
  2. Write the agreement down so it doesn't depend on memory during a crisis.
  3. If you feel the urge to monitor, use the Campfire before opening the profile.
What counts as cheating for you is what should be discussed with your partner and agreed on.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson How your jealousy works (translated from Portuguese)

Phrases to keep

Frequently asked questions

Can I ask my partner to unfollow their ex?

You can talk about it. What matters is that it's an agreement between you both, not a demand to calm a crisis that will soon ask for another.

What if I keep checking the ex's profile?

It's one of the behaviors that most feeds the cycle. Put it on your behavior list and use time to space out the checks.

This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.

Read next

In the momentChecking the ex's profile: why investigating on social media never calms you downTwenty minutes of scrolling, then one old photo. Learn how variable reward keeps you checking, why surveillance backfires in a relationship and how to change your digital environment.Tools from the lessonsThe behavior list: how to stop feeding retroactive jealousy, one step at a timeAsking, checking, scrolling profiles. The technique from Dr. Yuri's first course: list the behaviors, rank them from least to most painful and start with the easiest, for 30 seconds.The coupleIs jealousy proof of love? The reinforcement that keeps the cycle goingIf they're not jealous, they don't love me? Positive and negative reinforcement keep jealousy alive, why your partner's response feeds the cycle and what healthier love looks like.