Reinforcement, the food of behavior
In his lesson on how jealousy works, Dr. Yuri explains the technical term for what he calls feeding: reinforcement. And there are two kinds working together.
- Positive reinforcement: you ask or argue, they comfort you, and you feel: they love me. Something good was added.
- Negative reinforcement: the jealousy hurts, and their answer takes the pain away for a while. Something bad was removed.
Both teach the same lesson: to get affection and relief, you have to go through the jealousy first. And the cycle repeats.
When your partner gets tired
At some point your partner gets irritated, snaps back or walks away from the conversation. For a jealous mind, that becomes proof: if they reacted like that, something's going on. The cycle is reinforced either way, by the loving answer or the impatient one.
The phrases that confuse
Many of us grew up hearing that if they're not jealous, they don't love you. Or that love means keeping watch. These phrases mix love and control.
Even jealousy as a little spice in the relationship deserves care. It can be taken lightly, but it isn't a sign of healthy love. It often wears the relationship down little by little.
What healthy love is
Someone who truly loves trusts, gives freedom and lets the other person choose to be by their side. Security comes from that free choice, renewed every day.
What to do today
- Notice what happens after a crisis: affection, relief or an argument?
- Agree with your partner, while calm, not to answer repeated questions.
- Swap love means watching for love means trusting.
Someone who truly loves trusts the other person and gives them freedom.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson How your jealousy works (translated from Portuguese)
Phrases to keep
- Jealousy doesn't prove love.
- Your partner's answer feeds the cycle, loving or impatient.
- Love trusts and lets the other person choose.
Frequently asked questions
Isn't a little jealousy normal?
Feeling jealous sometimes is human. The problem is treating it as proof of love and feeding it with questions and checking.
What can my partner do?
Acknowledge the feeling without entering the interrogation: I understand it hurts, and I won't answer again, because that doesn't help you. Agreed in advance, it works better.
This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.