An emotion with three points
Sadness and joy can happen just between you and the world. Jealousy can't. It always involves a triad: me, the other and the rival. In retroactive jealousy, the rival is someone from the past of the person you love: the ex, the people they lived things with before you.
The rival doesn't need to be present. It's enough for the mind to pick them as a threat.
Possessiveness and envy
In possessiveness, the focus is the object: this is mine and I can't share it. In envy, the focus is deserving: that person has something they don't deserve, something that should be mine.
Both can blend into jealousy. But jealousy itself is made of uncertainty, a sense of threat and of not belonging, often tied to your own insecurities.
Thought, emotion and behavior
Dr. Yuri divides jealousy into three layers that feed each other:
- Thoughts: intrusive, full of comparison, doubt and distrust.
- Emotions: anger, sadness, shame, fear of loss, anxiety about the future and rumination about the past.
- Behaviors: checking, asking, arguing, hovering over the person, controlling, threatening to break up.
Looking at the three layers helps you see where your jealousy lives, and where to start changing it.
What to do today
- Write down who the rival is in today's movie.
- Separate: what I thought, what I felt and what I did.
- Choose to change the behavior first. It's the part most within your reach.
It involves a very important triad, which is me, the other and the rival.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson How your jealousy works (translated from Portuguese)
Phrases to keep
- Jealousy always has three points.
- Possessiveness is about the object; envy, about deserving; jealousy, about threat.
- Thought, emotion and behavior feed each other.
Frequently asked questions
Is retroactive jealousy envy of the ex?
There may be some envy or comparison, but the core is usually different: the sense of threat and the fear of not being special or enough.
Why does the ex become a rival if they're not in my partner's life anymore?
Because, for a jealous mind, the rival doesn't need to be present. It's enough to be chosen as a threat. That's how the past becomes the present.
This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.