Why trying not to think makes it worse
It's the suppression paradox: the more you try not to think about a pink elephant, the more it shows up. Your partner's past works the same way. Fighting the thought becomes one more way of paying attention to it.
1. Stop feeding it
Every question, every profile visit, every mental review is a log on the fire. As Dr. Yuri says, if you don't feed it, the campfire starves. At first the urge rises, then it passes. Start by holding on for 30 seconds, then longer.
2. Put the thought in the right tense
The mind isn't chronological: it brings the past with the force of now. Conjugate the verb. She's thinking about him becomes she had a story before me. It happened, it's over, and that story made the person you love.
3. Step out of the detail
When your mind zooms in on a detail, the clothes, the time, the place, zoom out: look at your whole film together. Missing five minutes of the film doesn't change the story.
4. Come back to the present
Name the thought, here comes the trip movie, and return your attention to what's in front of you: what you see, hear and touch. Then go back to what you were doing. The goal isn't not thinking; it's not obeying.
5. Strengthen yourself
Someone who's exhausted gets knocked down by any stone. Sleep, exercise, therapy, activities that aren't just numbing, ten minutes of quality time with the person you love. The more weight your own life has, the less room the other person's past takes up.
What to do today
- Today, at the first urge to check or ask, hold on for 30 seconds.
- Write down the thought that comes back most and rewrite it in the right tense.
- Choose one strengthening action for today: sleep earlier, walk, call a friend.
The wave always passes if you don't keep feeding it.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson The campfire starves (translated from Portuguese)
Phrases to keep
- The goal isn't not thinking. It's not obeying.
- That story made the person you love.
- The wave always passes.
Frequently asked questions
How long until I stop thinking about his past?
It depends on the person. What's usually seen is that, once the cycle stops being fed, the thoughts become more spaced out and less intense over the weeks.
Does telling my partner everything help me stop thinking?
Talking about what you feel can bring you closer. Asking for details of the past in order to stop thinking usually has the opposite effect: each detail becomes material for new thoughts.
This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.