When avoidance becomes the problem
Not driving down the street with the restaurant they used to go to. Skipping the song. Turning down the trip to the city she visited with her ex. Each avoidance brings relief in the moment, but the list grows and life gets smaller.
The ladder goes the other way: back, slowly and with a plan, to what you've been avoiding.
How to build the ladder
- List up to ten situations that trigger jealousy, from mild discomfort to intense.
- Rate each from 1 to 10.
- Order them from lowest to highest.
- Pick a first step at a moderate score, neither the easiest nor the worst.
Examples: listening to the song that reminds you of the ex, walking past the building where he lived with her, seeing an old photo without asking anything about it.
The experiment at each step
Before, rate the urge. Stay in the situation without the old behavior, without asking, without checking. If the urge rises, use breathing or the Campfire. Afterwards, rate it again and write what you learned.
Repeat the same step a few times. When it loses strength, move up to the next.
Cautions
Don't use the ladder to tolerate something that breaks a real agreement in the couple: exposure is for triggers from the past, not for accepting disrespect in the present. If there's OCD or intense crises, do this work with a professional.
What to do today
- List five situations you avoid because of jealousy.
- Rate each from 1 to 10.
- Pick a mid-range one for your first experiment.
Phrases to keep
- Each avoidance makes life smaller.
- One step at a time.
- The goal isn't zero anxiety; it's the new response.
Frequently asked questions
Why not start with the hardest trigger?
Because the chance of leaving the situation at the peak, and reinforcing avoidance, is high. Starting at a moderate step makes it more likely you'll complete the experiment and learn from it.
How many times do I need to repeat each step?
Until it loses strength. In the Before Me app, a step counts as mastered after three experiments without the old behavior, but each person has their own pace.
This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.