Before Me

Tools from the lessons

The Question Box: write it down instead of asking your partner about the past

The question about the past feels urgent right now. How the Question Box works: you write, store it and decide 24 hours later whether you still need to ask.

Dr. Yuri Busin

Dr. Yuri BusinPsychologist (Brazil, CRP 06/107708) · 2 min read

Short answerThe Question Box is a simple tool: when the urge comes to ask something about your partner's past, you write the question down instead of asking it, and only decide after 24 hours whether it still matters. Most of the time the urgency passes and the question loses its meaning. When it doesn't, you talk more calmly, without being at the peak of the urge.

Why waiting works

The question about the past comes with urgency: I need to know now. That urgency is anxiety talking, not the real importance of the question.

When you wait, the wave of the urge drops. With a calmer body, it's easier to see whether the question is needed for a decision today or is just another loop of the cycle.

How to do it

If the answer is no, you let the question go. If it's yes, you talk, at a calm, agreed time.

What usually happens

Many people are surprised when they reread their questions: some seem strange the next day, some were already answered before, and some reveal a pattern, like questions that always return to the same theme.

Seeing that pattern in writing helps you understand what the question is really after: security, not information.

In the app

In Before Me, the Question Box stores what you wrote and lets you know when the 24 hours are up. The Journey screen shows how many questions you didn't need to ask.

What to do today

  1. Next time you want to ask, write instead of speaking.
  2. Give it an urgency score.
  3. Reread it tomorrow and decide calmly.

Phrases to keep

Frequently asked questions

What if the question really matters?

Then it will still matter after 24 hours, and you can talk calmly. The Question Box doesn't forbid questions; it takes the decision out of the peak moment.

Do I need to tell my partner I'm using the Question Box?

It's not required, but many couples find it useful to agree: questions about the past wait a day and are discussed at a calm moment.

This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.

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