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Why do I get suspicious right when the relationship is going well?

Two or three calm days and, out of nowhere, a crisis. The anxious thought that says if everything's good something must be wrong, and how to stop sabotaging the good moments.

Dr. Yuri Busin

Dr. Yuri BusinPsychologist (Brazil, CRP 06/107708) · 2 min read

Short answerBecause the anxious mind tries to protect itself from a loss that hasn't happened. After a few good days, the thought comes: if everything is this good, something must be wrong. It works like a protective alarm and ends the calm, like sabotage. The first step is recognizing the pattern; the second is learning to accept that things can be fine.

Two, three, four days, and out of nowhere

Many people with retroactive jealousy know this rhythm. The relationship is light, you're laughing, loving each other, and then the crisis comes, with a million questions. It seems to come from nowhere.

A protective alarm

It doesn't come from nowhere. It's an anxious thought trying to prevent something bad in the future. When everything is very good, the mind gets suspicious, because lowering your guard feels dangerous.

The effect is the opposite of what it promises: instead of protecting the relationship, the alarm ruins exactly the moments that strengthen it most.

Look at it with kindness, not guilt

Dr. Yuri asks that this pattern be looked at with a lot of care and attention. It isn't malice or a lack of love. It's fear. And fear is treated with understanding and practice, not shame.

Learning to accept that it's fine

The exercise is tolerating the discomfort of calm. When the alarm goes off on a good day, name it: it's the thought that if things are good, something's wrong. And choose not to act on it. Over time, good stops being scary.

What to do today

  1. Note which days the crises appear. See if they come after good days.
  2. When the alarm goes off, tell yourself: it's just the alarm.
  3. Do something good with your partner that same day, instead of asking.
When everything's very good, that thought comes: if everything's very good, something must be wrong.Dr. Yuri Busin, in the lesson The most common questions (translated from Portuguese)

Phrases to keep

Frequently asked questions

Is it self-sabotage?

It often works like one. It's a protective mechanism that, in practice, pushes you away from the calm you want.

Should I tell my partner?

It can help, told as your own feeling and not as an accusation: I've noticed that when we're good, I get scared. That brings you closer instead of pushing away.

This content is educational and does not replace professional assessment, diagnosis or treatment. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call your local emergency number now. In the US, call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans at 116 123.

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